Back in late April, the lockdowns were shifting from fairly novel to routine, and we were finding a rhythm with them. Even though the news was anxiety-provoking, I noticed that I didn’t feel all that bad. And on some level, I was actually enjoying myself.
Then I felt guilty for being happy. Didn’t the news say that the world was burning to the ground? What was wrong with me? Did I enjoy misery? How could I be so callous as to be okay?
I’ve never been good at keeping a daily gratitude journal, but I’ve always liked the idea. So every once in a while I sit down and write about what I’m grateful for. This time I wrote a list of things I was grateful for because of the pandemic. Not in spite of the pandemic, like my health and my house, but rather things I have because of the pandemic that I wouldn’t have without it.
My list came easily and was quite varied. 4) My oldest child being home from school meant he bonded with his baby brother in a way that will last a lifetime. 15) The watermelon pajama pants I bought on Amazon made me smile. 23) I finally painted the kitchen cabinets because I ran out of excuses. They looked great.
Once I made my list, I had evidence to myself about why I was happy. Proof that I didn’t revel in misery – rather my own little bubble was actually pretty nice. I’ve worked hard over the years to get to this place in my personal life. And so that realization made it okay to be okay. I still care about humanity even though I don’t freak out every day.
Then in mid-August I found myself beginning to let resentment for 2020 seep in around the edges. The routine was getting old. My little bubble was showing signs of wear and tear.
Resentment is a poison that kills us slowly and painfully, morphing us into something else, a shadow of ourselves. Gratitude is the surest cure. So I got my pen out and started another list: How am I grateful for the pandemic?
It was much harder this time around.
I got off to a slow start. 3) I finally incorporated telehealth into my practice. 4) I’ve rediscovered canned biscuits and cut-and-bake cookies. 5) In telehealth, no one can see the ten pounds I’ve gained eating canned biscuits and cut-and-bake cookies.
I was downright passive-aggressive toward my self-assigned exercise. Eventually, though, I started gaining some steam. 9) My baby has been exposed to so few people he hasn’t even caught a cold. 12) The desk we bought for my son’s Virtual School is actually pretty cool. 14) I’m meeting with a friend by Skype every week, when we used to be “too busy” to get together. 17) I’m a third of the way through a massive cross stitch project that is just beautiful, and I’ll finish it if this goes on long enough.
This time the list wasn’t about being okay with being okay. It was about keeping as far as possible from the dark abyss that is despair. Resentment can be the start of a powerful downward pull, and there’s nothing like gratitude to save ourselves from the depths. I needed those tangible reminders that I’ve had some key wins this year, a lot of growth, and even had some fun. It doesn’t minimize the fact that it’s been a hard year and a lot of difficult things have happened, but gratitude reminds me it’s also been a transformative year.
I think it’s important to note what a gratitude list is not. It is not an exercise in “the power of positive thinking.” It is not forcing yourself to think happy thoughts and believe everything is okay. The way I do them, gratitude lists are about acknowledging that, “Yes, things are hard right now, but what else is true?” It’s that, “What else is true?” that helps us pull back from the impulse of all-or-nothing thinking. It softens the edges and opens us up to being multidimensional people.
Gratitude lists often make me feel better. But they aren’t solely about feeling better. They’re about seeing the bigger picture. Balance. Perspective. We could all use a little balance.
The gratitude list exercise is a good, multipurpose tool. I keep it in my toolbox for times when there’s friction between my emotional state and my situation. I’ve never regretted writing one.
Whether you find yourself wondering why you’re okay in these crazy times, or wondering if you’ll make it through, I challenge you to write your own list. What are your gifts from the pandemic?